putting on the armor of God.......

Every time my petscan rolls around I am afraid.  Afraid of recurrence and the what if's set in.  What if the cancer is back.  What if I have to have chemo again.  What if it’s not curable this time.   I hear stories of reccurrence all the time and it frightens me too.  Celebrities, friends of friends, church members.  No one is immune.  What if it happens to me. 

Everytime I hear of someone dying of cancer, I feel guilty.  Even when I hear of someone suffering through their cancer journey, I feel guilt because even though my journey was difficult, there are others who have it so much worse.  Survivor’s guilt is something I think a lot of people deal with.  Why did I live and my friend or family member died.  Why did I survive cancer and so many others don’t.  Why did I make it through treatments in 8 months but a 2 year old child has to endure it, and have a much harder time of it, for 2 years. 

When my scan comes back clean I feel a lot of relief and then the same whys and guilt set in and I find it hard to feel the joy of survival that I should feel.  

I’d been going along this roller coaster since my petscan 2 weeks ago until God spoke to me through my daily devotional.  It talks about bringing all of your feelings to Jesus, even the ones you wish you didn't have like fear, doubt and anxiety.  It also talked about affirming your trust in God regardless of how you feel and not hiding your fear and pretending it doesn't exist.  I realized I had not given my true feelings to God but as I read the devo and scriptures that followed about putting on the Armor of God, He spoke to me and taught me that when I have doubt or questions I should :

Put on the belt of truth – the truth I have clung too since my diagnosis is that God has promised me good not harm and has given me hope for the future

Put on the breast plate of righteousness

Have my feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace- with God, I am ready for whatever happens because I am at peace with God’s plan for my life

I should carry the shield of faith – faith that God is in control even when I don’t understand the how or why’s

I wear the helmet of salvation – knowing that no matter what happens to my earthly body, I will be totally healed in Heaven where I will live forever with my Lord

Carry the sword of the spirit- which is the word of God – using God’s word and my cancer experience to share the good news of the gospel and the love of Christ with others which gives my cancer a purpose.

I pray God will use this as a reminder for me everytime the petscans roll around and I get those same feelings of fear and guilt and questioning.  And that I will always remember, in all situations, to wear God's armor. God Bless :)